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Miscellaneous Quotes
"Following the gross misconduct of paparazzi at the scene of Princess Diana's death, we have decided that, after the funeral, we will no longer be accepting photos of Princess Diana for publication."
Press release from the National Enquirer
"All human actions are equivalent... and, all are on principle... doomed."
Jean-Paul Sartre (Being and Nothingness, Conclusion, sct. 2)
"The fish is the last to discover the sea"
Ancient Chinese Proverb
"It is predictable, but I wouldn't like to predict it myself."
C. Lawson
"When faced with two evils I like to do the one I've never tried before."
Mae West
"We, my Lords, may thank Heaven that we have something better than our brains to depend on."
Lord Chesterfield (to the House of Lords)
"It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt."
Samual Clemmens
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
Bobcat Goldthwait
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three."
Elayne Boosler
"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself."
Judy Tenuta
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
John Mendoza
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
Bob Ettinger
"I don't know what's wrong with my television. I was getting C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman."
Bruce Baum
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
Ellen DeGeneres
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.' "
Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez
"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper."
Mike Royko (on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was taken over by Rupert Murdoch)
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Jimmy Shubert
"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
John Wing
"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'"
Francois Morency
"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there."
Bob Green
"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane. Either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Rich Jeni
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex no matter what she's reading."
Emo Philips
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex no matter how bad it is."
Lenny Clarke
"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Emo Philips
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
Emo Philips
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Rich Jeni
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Ren Hicks
"Things you'll never hear a woman say : 'My, what an attractive scrotum!'"
Jeff Green
"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Emo Philips
"My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head."
Elon Gold
"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Kevin James
"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Emo Philips
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Rich Jeni
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